The Lurking Horror: The 2013 Bears Depth Chart
Can you feel that, Bears fans? The telltale signs are there. The leaves are
turning. The final roster reports are trickling in. The Illini have earned
their first of five victories for the season. I’m talking about THE BEGINNING
OF THE NFL SEASON.
This is a great time to be a Bears fan, mostly because the foul taste of the
previous season’s failures have faded from your tongue and you’ve done enough
day drinking during the summer to (once again) fool yourself into thinking
Chicago has a Super Bowl-caliber team. You tell yourself, “This is it! We’ve
finally addressed last year’s problems! This is our year!” and then start
predicting a 15-win season “just because we’ll rest our starters in Week 17.”
They start strong. They put up some good numbers, and the defense looks good.
Bears-defense-from-the-year-they-got-destroyed-in-the-Super-Bowl good. Then
mistakes are made. The offensive scheme doesn’t click (“I knew all along
Trestman’s stupid Canadian offense wouldn’t work,” you suddenly start saying
to all your friends). Then they get inexplicably stunted by a bad team (lol
Rams). Before you know it, it’s December, you’re 2-3 in the division, and you
finally remember that Chicago’s got a hockey team that’s pretty good, and oh,
hey, they’ve already played two months of the season.
I’m presenting the following depth chart in the hope of hopes that some of you
will realize your futility and save yourself from four months of agita and
depression. Maybe the annoying chorus of “Daaaaa Bearss” will die out early
this year. Maybe the hideous orange and blue color scheme will be retired from
the backs of Chicagoans early.
I mean, probably not, but I can’t say I’m not trying to make the world a
1. Jay Cutler: I love Jay Cutler. He plays well enough to keep his job,
but usually does one key thing that infuriates Bears fans every year. He’s
like a Tony Romo whose success we can explain. The fact that his face is
basically a human shrug is icing on the fury cake.
2. Josh McCown: Oh man, it’s gonna suck when Cutler gets hurt. If this
guy starts you’re in for a lot of 3-INT games while screaming about how they
should’ve signed Vince Young when they had the chance. The fact that they
considered Trent Edwards (who everyone thought was trapped in an old copy of
Madden 2007) and Jordan Palmer (who has fewer passing TDs than Bengals
receiver Mohamed Sanu) as competition is telling about how much effort the
front office is putting into this team.
1. Matt Forte: Matt Forte is a solid player, and it’s going to be a real
shame when Soldier Field’s garbage playing surface shreds his ACL.
2. Michael Bush: He’s one of the best backups in the league, but won’t
ever get respect from Bears fans. They’re too busy raging because they went
ahead and drafted Forte 4th overall in their fantasy league and Bush just
vultured yet another touchdown.
3. Michael Ford: He’s unknown right now, but he’ll be a household name
when Bears fans realize that “change-of-pace running back” means “0.6 YPC and
1. Brandon Marshall
2. Double-Covered Brandon Marshall
3. Triple-Covered Brandon Marshall
4. Goateed Evil Twin “Mandon Brarshall”
5. Matt Forte
6. Brandon Marshall Fathead
7. Alshon Jeffrey, in his second of six “breakout seasons”
8. M.D. Jennings
The Bears’ starting tight end is Martellus Bennett, who is the craziest
player on a team that also has Brandon Marshall on it. He compares himself to
a black unicorn, which is apt, because I’ve never seen either catch a
As a courtesy to their opponents, the Bears are installing I-PASS lanes in
front of Jay Cutler.
The defensive line should be very productive as long as they face the same
cupcake offensive lines as last year. *Looks at schedule.* Or not.
I’m looking forward to seeing Bears fans scream their heads off at a
linebacking corps made up of Lance Briggs, NFLPA Charity Fund patrition
Jon Bostic and Christ, How Do You Miss That Tackle; I Wish We Had Brian
Urlacher Back. I’m also looking forward to seeing how regrettable, on a
scale of 1 to Fukudome, that Jon Bostic jerseys become.
Charles Tillman: The downside is that idiot Bears fans, in an attempt to
sound smart, will still somehow try to belittle Peanut’s skills by saying he’s
nothing but a Cover-2 back. The upside is that Mike Florio will always be a
bigger idiot than those guys.
Tim Jennings: Jennings will be a solid back for six weeks, then he’ll
get benched after Leonard Hankerson torches him for two touchdowns.
Major Wright: I’m not saying I’m superstitious, I’m just saying Wright
was on the same Florida Gators team as Tim Tebow, Aaron Hernandez, Percy
Harvin and Riley Cooper.
Chris Conte: I look forward to seeing impressive things from this man in
absolutely meaningless games.
Devin Hester: In the last two years, Hester has had one more return TD
than receiving TD, and he was an awful receiver. Opposing teams are about as
afraid of Devin Hester as they are a mild fart.
Robbie Gould: It’s pronounced “GOLD,” you idiots. It’s not like you’ve
had eight years to get it right or anything.
Bears Punter: I don’t learn a punter’s name unless he’s written a book
Now maybe I’m wrong and the Bears crush it this year. They “Bear down” or
whatever. Then again, I’ve never been in want for beer money by making bets
with my homer Bears fan friends. So until I finish the season paying for my
own drinks, I’ll take a more somber approach.