A Totally Measured Response
This is a travesty. I’ve been a Bears fan my entire life, and I have the Neal Anderson jersey to prove it. And I can say that I’ve never seen a more embarassing team than this one. We’re a paper tiger, which is worse than flat out sucking. At least the Jaguars have the stones to flop their suck right out in front of everyone by insisting on starting Blaine Gabbert. No, we make a bunch of trades and personnel changes to hide how bad we are. I told you- TOLD you- that Marc “Le Coache” Trestman wasn’t the answer. Getting our hopes up like this is fan abuse, pure and simple. If I could afford season tickets I’d demand a refund.
Let’s face it, we’ve seen the real face of the Bears. We might as well take a look at how the rest of the season is going to go:
Week 5 vs New Orleans: LOSS Drew Brees is unstoppable and has too many weapons. They’re going to get up big and Jay Cutler sucks too much to score 6 touchdowns or whatever.
Final score: Saints 42 Bears 10
Week 6 vs New York: LOSS I don’t care if they’re 0-5 at that point. Eli is going to harness some kind of power from his big stupid Great Gazoo helmet and throw like three TDs. David Wilson will probably score two touchdowns because Shea McClellin sucks so bad. Actually, not David Wilson. Brandon Jacobs, because that’s how much Shea McClellin sucks.
Final score: Giants 35 Bears 13
Week 7 at Washington: LOSS RG3 is going to run all over the place because Trestman won’t put in Jon Bostic even though he’s clearly the face of the franchise defensively. Washington’s defense is terrible but Matt Forte is terribler so we’re not going win.
Final score: Bears 3 Redskins 24
Week 8 BYE: At this point 3-4 is an embarassment and Phil Emery should fire Marc Trestman and do anything he can to get Lovie and Urlacher back. We’ll trade Henry Melton to Comcast to get him back.
Week 9 at Green Bay: SUPER LOSS This makes me so sick I can’t even think about it. Green Bay fans think they’re so great just because their players are way better than hours and they’re generally managed much more effectively. Buncha assholes. Oh Christ, this is a Monday night game? Oh great, I get to be doubly embarassed by Aaron Rodgers, once in the game and once by that played out Superfans State Farm commercial.
Final score: Bears 24 Green Bay 48
Week 10 vs Detroit: LOSS Why even bother. This’ll be the game Forte snaps his ankle on the World War I battlefield we call our turf. At least Ndamukong Suh will get fined just for being in the same zip code as a torn ACL.
Final Score: Lions 36 Bears 27
Week 11 vs Baltimore: LOSS Let’s face it the only wide receiver we have is Brandon Marshall and everyone is going to triple team him, so we can’t pass. What does that leave? A bunch of stupid Canadian running plays that get eaten up by the defense. I bet Jay Cutler gets popped on a scramble and gets “hurt.” Don’t worry Jay, I’d fake an injury to get off this shitty team too.
Final Score: Bears 6 Ravens 12
Week 12 at St. Louis: LOSS Sam Bradford couldn’t the bowl if Tom Brady was holding his dick but it’s not going to matter because we’ll be starting Josh McCown. Which is a good option if you value the combined skillset of “old as balls” and “plays like garbage.” Between Michael Bush and Generic Rams Tailback the most rushing yards will go to the team that got sacked the least. This is coming down to field goals. Might as well be the AFC East.
Final Score: Robbie Gould 9 Greg Zuerlein 15
Week 13 at Minnesota: LOSS Christian Ponder throws like a waiter dropping a tray and he still almost beat us. What do you think Matt Cassel is going to do to us? Matt Cassel is going to destroy us. The fact that sentence has ever been utter is disgusting. Christ.
Final Score: Bears 14 Minnesota 24
Week 14 vs Dallas: LOSS Not a good team, just the least ass in a conference of ass teams. Tony Romo is going to go off and convince everyone he’s not actually awful and we’ll have to look at his dumb face in the league for the rest of our lives. Also, fuck Shea McClellin.
Final Score: Cowboys 38 Bears 16
Week 15 at Cleveland: LOSS RrrrrraaaaaaaAAAAGHHHH CLEVELAND GAVE UP IN WEEK 3 AND WE STILL CAN’T BEAT THEM GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BRING BACK LOVIE AND GROSSMAN
Final Score: Bears 7 Browns 13
Week 16 at Philadelphia: LOSS Time to start looking at draft prospects. Who’s got the coolest-sounding nickname? Let’s get him! I bet he totally won’t be a screen door on the offensive line! Fucking Carimi.
Final Score: We just had to win 3 games and screw up our draft. Fire Trestman, he can’t even lose right.
Week 17 vs Green Bay: WIN Fuck the Packers.
Final Score: Packers 19 Bears 85