NBA to Bulls: Hire New Proctologist or be Fined
After Monday night’s triple overtime loss to New Orleans, the League issued a warning to the Bulls front office. The NBA rules strictly prohibit teams from employing active doctors on their primary coaching staff due to a conflict of interest. A team coach could fraudulently cover for a player’s injuries or issue painkillers unnecessarily.
Ever since Derrick Rose was injured, John Paxson fired his personal proctologist from the team’s medical staff. The reasoning was unclear, but later rumors suggested that the previous doctor was failing to get “the stick out of everyone’s ass”.
In an effort to utilize the fine print clause in Tom Thibodeau’s contract, the Bulls also saved $300,000 a year by restructuring personnel. Before the league discovered the position, we learned of some shortcomings with this new system in the locker room.
When Thibodeau was asked why the Bulls were struggling to adjust without Derrick, a player that wasn’t with the team last year, Thibs responded, “You can focus on offense and defense, or when you have to make sacrifices, you can only focus on one of the two and then focus on proctology.”
The league didn’t take notice until referees witnessed the former NBA Coach of the Year shove a few players into the hunched position, and pulled a box of disposable latex gloves from the scorers table.
When asked which game aspect he was focusing on, Thibs said, “Defense, defense, defense. Defense first. Now we just got to get over that hump of being able to squat down and play lower to the ground with less soreness. Once all of the sticks are out, this should be a more regular and fluid team.”
The Bulls haven’t announced a replacement yet, although players have hinted that they want the Bulls to go after Kwame Brown (because he has small hands).
*This article was written in satire and is neither accurate or suggestive of current emotions to Bulls personnel. Although with all of the bad luck lately, a good laugh(albeit poor taste) might be what the doctor ordered.