How To Not Write Like A Schmuck 101

Lefty

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Since I don't have access to the writers' forum, this "help" thread will go here. Let's take a look at one of Justin's most-recent articles for CCS, line by line:



Officially now the Ted Lilly era has ended in Chicago and he is taking Ryan Theriot with him.

This is a classic run-on sentence. Remember, the comma can be your friend, and inserting one after "now" or "Chicago" would make this sentence seem less-like CCS has hired a coke-fiend to do their trade updates and recaps.

After a few days of negotiations the Cubs have officially sent Lilly and Theriot to the Los Angeles Dodgers in exchange for Blake DeWitt and two minor league pitchers.

This is bordering on being another run-on, but it's acceptable. Though a comma after "negotiations" would have given this sentence a little better flow.

Lilly will immediately join the Dodgers rotation and might pitch tomorrow his scheduled day.

A missed apostrophe on the end of "Dodgers" (since it is their rotation) and another run-on. Try using a comma after "tomorrow" and, again, the flow is improved ten-fold.

He slots in as the teams third or fourth starter and provides them a good veteran starter to surround their young guys.

Another missed apostrophe on the end of "teams", using "starter" twice in the same sentence is bordering on amateurish, and what do you mean by "young guys"? Do you mean their young pitchers? If so, then say that, because using "young guys" makes you sound like just another Joe Schmo talking about sports. You're not. You're a writer, write like one.

He also fits in with the ballpark perfectly, Dodger Stadium night games are infamous for swallowing up fly balls.

This is a little nit-picky, but a semicolon or colon after "perfectly" would have been more apt at conveying what you were attempting to. And are night games the only reason Lilly might be better-served to pitch in Dodger stadium? I know you're a stats guy, so elaborate a bit on this: give us the Dodger Stadium park factor versus Wrigley Field or something like that. Because as-is you are implying that Lilly will only pitch better for the Dodgers when he is playing a night game at home.

Losing Theriot is probably the best thing for the Cubs future that comes out of this deal.

Another missing apostrophe on "Cubs".

Theriot was under team control for another year or two and his diminishing skills were killing the team.

1) How were his diminishing skills hurting the team? What was he getting worse at?

2) Again, you're a writer, act like one. You can find out how many years Theriot has left in arbitration. Saying "another year or two" makes you sound like an amateur that has no idea what he's talking about.

Let's see....it's 3:54 PM, now....and just at the turn of 3:55 PM I can tell you definitively how many arbitration years Theriot has left: two.

Had he been brought back as the starting second baseman for 2011 that would have been a sure sign that the Cubs couldn’t compete.

Another run-on. Remember, the comma is your friend, it breaks up your sentences and gives your writing a sense of flow. So, knowing that, try using one after "2011". Also, since you are referring to something you brought up in the same sentence, "it" should be substituted for "that" when saying "[blank] would have been a sure sign...".

I wish the Dodgers best of luck with Theriot, though I imagine they won’t like him for more than a game or two.

Why? What has he been doing poorly? You have yet to inform me why the Cubs should be glad they are rid of Theriot and why the Dodgers will be unhappy with his services in the near future.

The Cubs return is of course what we all really care about in this deal, and right now Blake DeWitt appears to be the main return.

Here, "return" is overused, and yet another apostrophe is missing, though this time I'll let you guess where.

DeWitt was the Dodgers starting second baseman this season, though he isn’t anything special.

By now, you should be able to guess what is wrong with this sentence and know how to fix it. (HINT: it has to do with "Dodgers")

He does provide the Cubs with a major league proven left handed hitter that can play a couple of positions.

Huh? You just said in the previous sentence that DeWitt "isn't anything special", and you do nothing in this sentence to qualify its contradiction with your previous one.

This season DeWitt has posted a .723 OPS and .319 wOBA which provides an instant upgrade over Theriot.

Another run-on, and finally, four paragraphs in, you give me a clue as to what was wrong with Theriot, though only implicitly.

He only has two stolen bases this season so he doesn’t bring that element, and he doesn’t have a ton of power either. Just one homer this season, though he does have 15 doubles and four triples.

1) What element are you talking about? Speed? Stolen bases? There is a difference between the two.

2) The first sentence is yet another run-on, and no, the solitary comma isn't enough.

3) The second sentence is a fragment, and would be better-served attached to the first via a colon or semicolon.

How far he figures into the Cubs future is certainly a good question, but he will be under team control for a few more seasons, and his flexibility means that at the very least he will be a good utility guy that plays cheap.

1) Another missing apostrophe on "Cubs"

2) You have been giving me higher-order stats like wOBA and OPS, yet you come back with "utility guy"? Again, amateurish. And here, "amateur" doesn't mean "guy that doesn't get a salary for his work" but rather "really poor writing form".

The two minor league pitchers that came over are Kyle Smit and Brett Wallach.

This shouldn't be its own paragraph. Either work it in to the previous one somehow (NOT just via copy-paste) or make it the lead in your next 'graph.

Smit is a right handed bullpen pitcher who was recently promoted to AA by the Dodgers.

"Bullpen pitcher"...do you mean "reliever" or "Smit is a recently-promoted right-handed pitcher who has been working out of the bullpen"? Then say that.

He’s still just 22 years old and having his best season in professional baseball. He has a 2.35 ERA this season in 53 2/3 innings.

These do not need to be two separate sentences. Once again: ama....well, you get it.

After having some issues with command in previous seasons it would appear something has clicked with Smit because his BB/9 is at 1.8 this season. It sat at 3.8 previously.

Another missing comma that would have saved the first sentence from being another run-on (after "Smit"), and there is no reason to make these two sentences separate.

His strikeout rate is dominating, but still 7.9 per nine innings and he allows an average of less than a hit an inning.

Huh? This is jibberish.

Now I just get all of that off a stat sheet and can’t speak to his actual stuff right now.

1) It should be "got" or "found" or "referenced".

2) All of what? You. Are. A. Writer.

He would appear to be a classic “his upside is a good setup man” pitcher who at best will bounce around baseball and put together some solid seasons.

Surprisingly, I can't find any glaring mistakes here. Sure, there are some nit-picky type stuff that I would have done differently, but overall this is good.

There is no reason not to stockpile guys like that though, especially with the way the Cubs have played bullpen shuffle in recent years.

That's two in a row, I'm impressed. Could use some elaboration on "bullpen shuffle" but otherwise it's alright.

Brett Wallach was the Dodgers third round pick in 2009 and is currently starting in A ball.

I kept telling them: "you keep talking about the streak and you're going to put undue pressure on the guy, and eventually he will falter." And look what happened: missing apostrophe on "Dodgers". Also, you might want to change to past tense when talking about where Wallach was pitching, because you're not currently talking about where the Cubs will assign him. Try something like, "Brett Wallach...and was pitching for their class-A affiliate at the time of the trade."

He is a right handed pitcher who is just 21 years old and having a really good season.

"Really good"? That's the best you can come up with? How about "tremendous" or "promising" or "encouraging". Really, anything that would indicate you are of a slightly higher plane of intelligence than most, and thus your opinions should be read and granted more weight than others'.

In 17 starts he has a 3.72 ERA and hasn’t lost a start if you care about that sort of thing.

Another run-on, and while I know what you're trying to communicate here, you can make it a little more eloquent than that, can't you?

His walk rate is a little high at 4.6 per nine innings, but his strikeout rate is nice and high as well at 9.8 per nine innings.

So....is he bad or good? Elaborate (note: you can elaborate while still being concise).

Looking at those two I’m rather pleased with this deal for the Cubs.

Which two? You talked about a lot of people in this article, don't leave it up to the reader to discern what the hell it is you're talking about.

They get a bench utility infielder who is cheaper and better than Theriot, plus two young pitchers who appear to have a lot of upside.

Come on. Try "as well as" or "and in addition". Remember: you are a writer, not some schmuck.

While this isn’t the coup of the century, I’m rather pleased with what the Cubs have gotten.

Again, schmuck-like. Try "received", "added" or even "gotten in return". And when did this trade enter coup territory? Did you somewhere elaborate on exactly how the Dodgers got fleeced or gave up more than they should have? Because if you did, I certainly missed it.
 
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waldo7239117

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Your a joke. Leave him alone. I didn't think you can go any further, with bashing his articles in the forums. But, this passes it by a mile. If you think this is cool, you are truly mistaking.
 

Lefty

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And keep in mind, none of these specific critiques were stretches on my part. I could have gone a whole lot more in-depth if I wanted to bash every little thing that was improper or otherwise rubbed me the wrong way, but I wanted you to see just how abhorrent flaws there were in a single piece.

By my count that's 7 run-on sentences, 6 missed apostrophes, and countless instances of poor form.
 

Lefty

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Your a joke. Leave him alone. I didn't think you can go any further, with bashing his articles in the forums. But, this passes it by a mile. If you think this is cool, you are truly mistaking.

He said he was open to critiques. This is a critique. I didn't necessarily want to post it in the open forums, but I don't have access to the writers' forum, as I said in the first sentence of the first paragraph of the OP, you fool.
 

Undisputed

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Good critique, but the coke-fiend statement was pretty harsh. :lmao:

Why don't you write for CCS, Lefty? It seems to be up your alley.
 

waldo7239117

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What are you talking about? I didn't call him a moron or Special person, and I'm just giving him what he said he was open TO (seriously, waldo, it can't be that hard to understand the differences between "to", "two" and "too").

It's not hard to tell the difference between to, too and two. He really wanted you to go through each sentence and correct them?
 

Lefty

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It's not hard to tell the difference between to, too and two. He really wanted you to go through each sentence and correct them?

Well now you're just arguing about semantics. He said he was open to a critique; this is a critique. End of story.

Good critique, but the coke-fiend statement was pretty harsh. :lmao:

Why don't you write for CCS, Lefty? It seems to be up your alley.

I only write about the bigger issues that catch my eye, I don't think I would be very good if I was asked to churn out stuff on a regular basis.
 

JustinTCB

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Haha no I like this Waldo. I will admit when it comes to possessive apostrophes I forget almost every single time. Always have. I'm going to work on that.

You say I have "schmuck" like words, I know what you mean. I think sometimes when I write these pieces I rush them and it results in that kind of stuff.

His strikeout rate is dominating, but still 7.9 per nine innings and he allows an average of less than a hit an inning.
Huh? This is jibberish.
Perfectly fixable error that was a result of me working too fast. Should have said "isn't" dominating

I'll work on the comma thing as well. That is another thing I've always been a bit short on. Never use enough.

Thanks, others will give you shit for this I won't.
 

USCChiFan

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Finally CCS has a writer that is open to criticism and wants to improve.
 

JustinTCB

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Finally CCS has a writer that is open to criticism and wants to improve.

Like I said, bring it on.

I know I have multiple flaws in my writing. Honestly I think simply improving the apostrophes and commas will go a long way. So will giving it a third read through before posting.

Lefty you are open to do this to every single article I write here. It only helps me.
 

Jntg4

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My favorite teams
  1. Chicago White Sox
  2. Chicago Cubs
  1. Chicago Fire
  1. Chicago Bulls
  1. Chicago Bears
  1. Chicago Blackhawks
  1. Chicago State Cougars
  2. DePaul Blue Demons
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I thought those rules only applied to waldo.
 

zack54attack

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Critique one of mine Not the Bears training camp one tho.. I rushed that
 
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Rush

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Good critique, but the coke-fiend statement was pretty harsh. :lmao:

Why don't you write for CCS, Lefty? It seems to be up your alley.

We don't want fuckjobs like him on the writing crew. He can critique all he wants, he'll submitting his work to Bleacher Report

Dude reminds me of the health inspector from Six Feet Under.
 
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