Bear market?


I don’t know about you, but this time of the year I always get a big rubbery one, this year it’s even better being a Chicitysports Fan (see what I did there?).

It's beautiful...I'm so happy!

As a reminder why you should be mostly aroused (say 3/4) on this specific day:

–Baseball is knee deep in spring training and the Cubs are still mathematically alive for at least two more months!

–The Bulls are currently the league’s best and most underrated team–can a brother get some love?

–While, the Blackhawks are maddeningly inconsistent, you just feel that once Captain Serious comes back they are gonna pull their shit together and they are gonna ride the Q Stache to another awesome playoff run.  (wait, that came out wrong…see what had happened was…never mind…moving on.)


Now typically this is the time of the year where fans of every NFL franchise wax fantastical about their team’s FA targets that are going to be “the guy” that turns them into “the team”.  We do it in Chicago every year and aside from a few notable exceptions, notably: 1. Julius mother-fudging Peppers and 2. Mushin Muhammed (we only wish all WR die in Chicago, right Moose, you gator armed punk), the beloved usually wows us with the likes of Brandon “I got a million for every letter in my name” Manamallloadauera, Chester “I haven’t been good in 5 years”  Taylor, Roy “On the bright side, I only had four First Downs all year, so you didn’t have to watch my douchey move” Williams and of course the amazing  Sam “straight-ass real gangsta type shit” Hurd.

"Am I my brother's keeper? Actually, no..."

Before we get into a whole, “that was Jerry Angelo and now we’ve got a new guy, blah, blah, blah” rant, let’s also remember that the Bears haven’t done anything under any GM in the history of time largely because as Ditka said (I’ll parphrase), “The Halas’ throw around nickels like manhole covers”.  THEY ARE CHEAP!

But, that excuse is no longer a good one…because we’ve got the salary cap.  It’s money that teams are supposed to spend or else they get on double secret probation or something…or have to listen to Roger Goodell talk about why Ishtar is underrated, something horrible happens–trust me.

So knowing all of this, and knowing that the Bears have roughly between $22.5 Mil and $25 Mil (you can borrow up to $2m against future years), let’s talk about what we can expect come 3PM CT today.

"And what's the time? it's time to fix Ills!

Damn it…wait…let’s first talk about what we cannot expect:

Which one fits best with the Bears? Answer: NEITHER!

Mario Williams.  Vincent Jackson. Carl Nicks (not pictured…which is why there are only two dudes ^^^).

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Mostly because while all of those guys are studs, none of them put us over the top and signing any of them is going to wipe out most of our cap space.

Especially Williams.  Listen, I love the guy…he’s a 27 year old complete beast and the thought of him lining up on the other side of Peppers just made Matthew Stafford shit in his Wonder Twins Underroos.  But he’s gonna get better than $15m a year…so between he and Pep, we’ll have $25m per year tied up in two positions.  That’s over 20 percent of our cap…we need to pay 53 guys (at least).  Math=no good.

So, let’s just put that behind us.  He’s not coming and in the end…it’s a good thing.

How about Vinnie Jax?  He’s a stud WR, he’s 28 years old, he looks good in long pants, I mean I could go on and on with the superlatives.  But he’s also gonna be a big blast to the cap.  Plus…let’s drill down a little, 60 catches…okay, not bad, not Wes Welker, but not bad.  9 TD, pretty solid, 1100 yards…I mean, granted, dude is no scrub.  But is he going to take our team from “not good enough” to upper echelon?  I just don’t see it.  Too many other holes.

So, I know what you’re thinking right now…”gee, Son Tzu…thanks for shitting in my Cheerios, bra!”

Wa wa...

But wait…I’ve got a plan!

Here’s what the Bears should do in FA and why:

Sign Marques Colston (he’s shown above…dominating).  Cheaper than VJax and in some ways…better.  He’s not the deep threat that Jackson is, but we’ve got two deep threats in Hester and Knox, we need a #1 guy that can grab 80 balls (minds out of the gutters, boys) and open up the field for Hester and Knox to go deep and Cutler to wing it their way.

Sign a TE.  We need a rock solid, pass-catching TE, somebody that has good hands and can make the tough catch, somebody like…Greg Olsen.  Which reminds me, I really want to take this time to invite Mike Martz to go outside and play hide and go fuck himself.  I haven’t seen a Bear get screwed like us since this scene in Super Troopers.


But, I digress…anyway, we need a TE.  Targets you ask?  How about Dallas Clark?  Everyone can’t go wherever Manning goes, despite what Miami fans think.  Sure, he’s a little long in the tooth, but coming off two seasons with injuries…he’s a perfect reclamation project for our new OC and former TE Mike Tice.  If he’s too costly…how about John Carlson?  Big target, good blocker and great hands.  I’m good either way.

Well, wait…we still need help on Defense you say?  Well you’re right…so I offer:

Jeremy Mincey.  Yeah, he’s no Mario Williams.  Hell, he’s no Mario Lopez, in fact…he kinda reminds me of, wait for it,  Israel Idonije.  But I think he’ll come a lot cheaper and I think he’s got upside if you put more talent around him…like Peppers, Briggs, Urlacher, etc.  Izzy, love him to pieces, but as Denny Green would say…he is who we thought he was.  Nothing more.

Grab a CB…you wanna spend big bucks on probably the closest thing to Mike Brown, grab Cortland Finnegan.  He’s firey, he’s dickish and he’s the perfect player to fit into the Bears nasty D.  He kind of even looks like #30

"Does that make me racist?"

If you don’t want to spend that kind of scratch…how about Brandon Carr?  Who?  He’s a CB from KC (Emery should be familiar, ask him), very solid cover corner and if you line him up next to Peanut, it will give defenses IMMENSE pause on which side to throw to.

That’s two on Offense and two on Defense.  Grab another WR (Floyd from ND?) or best available OL in round 1, grab some DL/DB help in rounds 2 & 3 and we’re right there.

Keep in mind, while the Bears are awash with cash, some of that should be earmarked for Mr. Forte.  Because despite what some people think (and you know who I’m talking to), he’s an elite back…and they are few and far between–even in Chicago where it seems like we always have one.

So that’s it…hope 3:00 rolls around and the Bears are busy and making good moves for us!

BEAR DOWN…let’s pick him up!

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