With the Bears loss to Saints fresh on my mind, I thought I’d get a little mystical and try to see how the Bears could seek other-worldly help to turn their season around. That is, until I realized that a) the occult-New Orleans connection was a little on the nose, and b) the Bears are still 3-2 and Week 6 is a little soon to proclaim the death knell of the team. That’d be shortsighted and histrionic. I mean, what are we, Bears fans?
Aaaaanyway, the hullabaloo over Josh Freeman’s medical conditions being made public and large parts of the Affordable Care Act taking effect has left me feeling a little Aesclepean this week. Considering the Bears have a short week in which to heal up, I thought I’d point out how the new ACA coverage affects some of the Monsters of the Midway.
Jay Cutler: Once you’ve been signed up for a year, you’re eligible for a total shoulder reconstruction. Not from throwing so much, but from absorbing all those hits on scrambles to impress Cris Collinsworth. After all, sliding is for pussies that hate their locker room.
Tony Fiammetta: There is a provision in the ACA that offers a stipend for those whose jobs will be obsolete in two years.
Brandon Marshall: Good news, stabbings are covered!
Alshon Jeffery: Now that the AMA recognizes Temporary Relevance Syndrome as a common disorder among Bears receivers, you will be expected to report to the nearest hospital and have your value resent to Level Sanzenbacher.
Martellus Bennett: Please stop trying to go to the vet.
Devin Hester: Take note that the online exchange marketplace is a venue for comparing health plans and is not an IQ test. “404” means the site is broken, not that you’re a genius. Stop calling Patrick Mannelly a dum-dum.
Stephen Paea: We are pleased to announce that you qualify for a procedure that will enable your body to move forward.
Major Wright: Unfortunately, service members above the rank of Lieutenant must use the plan provided by the VA.
Chris Conte: Take advantage of this enrollment period, as the ACA is the closest you will ever be associated with good coverage.
Jon Bostic: Luckily, your medical bills will save you a substantial sum, which will come in handy when the league fines you in the future.
Adam Podlesh: While you could participate in the ACA health care exchanges, the medical plan that high school you’ll be coaching at next year will probably be a better value.
I hope that the players will find this information helpful. Of course, this might be rendered moot if the team gets inextricably pulled into the New York Giants’ black hole of suck tomorrow.