Why Your Team Sucks 2018: Chicago Bears

Hawkeye OG

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Nailed it. This is fantastic.

This was a rebuilding year for the Bears, if you consider what Ryan Pace does to be rebuilding things. I tend to visualize the Bears’ business model as a headless Corgi put in charge of a strip-mining operation, but tomato tomahto. They got owned by their old, shitty kicker. Their coach challenged his way into turning the ball over. Danny Trevathan nearly killed a guy. Marcus Cooper pulled a Leon Lett. The tight end got his leg sheared off and then the refs took away his touchdown just to make him feel even worse. Their best win from last season was a game in which the quarterback completed four passes.
 

Washington

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Funny read.

However, what is this on-going infatuation with male sports fans and their penis? Some want to rip theirs off. Some get hard-ons talking about pro players and some just want to hold their own. Even the author can't help his appeal for dicks.

Your coach: HOLD ONTO YOUR DICKS BECAUSE HERE COMES THE NAGY EXPRESS!!!!
 

Penny Traitor

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"Never, ever, ever count out Chicago racism. It’s the Iron Man of racisms. Dick Wolf should make Chicago Racism a centerpiece of NBC’s Friday Night lineup."

Took me almost an hour to find the amount of shit I lost while reading that line.

May be my favorite instalment to date.
 

Hawkeye OG

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So many Lolz in this piece
 

benplace

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Hold onto your dicks because here comes the nagy express!!!!
 

remydat

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On the other side of the ball, the Bears finally used a draft pick wisely and selected Roquan Smith out of Georgia. I think anyone who watched Georgia at all could tell you that Smith is a tremendous player. This young man possesses a rare blend of talent and leadership that could singlehandedly elevate an otherwise pedestrian defense and turn it into something special. At least, that’s what I WOULD have said if the Bears hadn’t fucked it all up and played hardball with Smith during his rookie contract negotiations. As of this writing, he remains the only unsigned first-round pick in the league. How the fuck is that possible?

Subsequent reporting indicates that the Bears and Smith’s representatives are indeed arguing over contract language that would allow the team to void guaranteed money if Smith were to be disciplined by the league under the new rule.

Look man, NFL players are underpaid already. That guaranteed money is all they can count on before being unceremoniously left on the curb and left to navigate an extended, brain-damaged twilight on their own. And now the Bears are angling for a way to take even THAT money, all because of a rule that no one is even fucking clear on at the moment. This man was already robbed, dammit! Someone robbed him and then a Tribune columnist somehow managed to blame HIM for it. Never, ever, ever count out Chicago racism. It’s the Iron Man of racisms. Dick Wolf should make Chicago Racism a centerpiece of NBC’s Friday Night lineup. I swear to god that Ditka Brain has permeated this entire city.
 

TheeUndyingFan

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  1. Chicago Bears
I highly recommend the fantasy novel "The Hike" By Drew Magary, the writer of this article.

Great book, great humor, awesome ending.
 

mecha

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I honestly came for the argument about deep dish pizza vs. NY pizza in the comments section.
 

Washington

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On the other side of the ball, the Bears finally used a draft pick wisely and selected Roquan Smith out of Georgia. I think anyone who watched Georgia at all could tell you that Smith is a tremendous player. This young man possesses a rare blend of talent and leadership that could singlehandedly elevate an otherwise pedestrian defense and turn it into something special. At least, that’s what I WOULD have said if the Bears hadn’t fucked it all up and played hardball with Smith during his rookie contract negotiations. As of this writing, he remains the only unsigned first-round pick in the league. How the fuck is that possible?

Subsequent reporting indicates that the Bears and Smith’s representatives are indeed arguing over contract language that would allow the team to void guaranteed money if Smith were to be disciplined by the league under the new rule.

Look man, NFL players are underpaid already. That guaranteed money is all they can count on before being unceremoniously left on the curb and left to navigate an extended, brain-damaged twilight on their own. And now the Bears are angling for a way to take even THAT money, all because of a rule that no one is even fucking clear on at the moment. This man was already robbed, dammit! Someone robbed him and then a Tribune columnist somehow managed to blame HIM for it. Never, ever, ever count out Chicago racism. It’s the Iron Man of racisms. Dick Wolf should make Chicago Racism a centerpiece of NBC’s Friday Night lineup. I swear to god that Ditka Brain has permeated this entire city.

The part in red above voids the author's whole take because the Bears already conceded on the "if Smith were to be disciplined by the league under the new rule." portion.
 

number51

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My favorite teams
  1. Chicago Cubs
  1. Chicago Bulls
  1. Chicago Bears
  1. Chicago Blackhawks
  1. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
I highly recommend the fantasy novel "The Hike" By Drew Magary, the writer of this article.

Great book, great humor, awesome ending.

I used to call Drew my favorite comedy/sports writer back in his days at KSK. A few years ago I realized he is just one of my favorite writers regardless of genre.

You guys should try to find the time to read as many of the other 31 installments of WYTS. Start by picking a city/team you hate. Sorry, the Packers piece is not up yet, in the mean time the Jets version is pretty funny.

https://deadspin.com/tag/why-your-team-sucks-2018
 

Bearly

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  1. Chicago Bulls
  1. Chicago Bears
  1. Chicago Blackhawks
Nice read. Too easy, get while the gettin's good.
 

Icculus

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  1. Chicago Bulls
  1. Chicago Bears
  1. Army Black Knights
The Bears are the Member Berries of sports.
 

Gustavus Adolphus

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My favorite teams
  1. Chicago White Sox
  1. Chicago Bulls
  1. Chicago Bears
  1. Nebraska Cornhuskers
  2. Villanova Wildcats
Frankly, the following should be reason enough:

weadaclhrawkqv5mjfqn.jpg
 

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