It was a team effort, fellas…you all suck.

Where to start?  Seriously…where?

Should we start with Hanie?  The O Line?  The WR?  The Playcalling? Matt Forte’s injury?

Yeah, let’s start there.  There’s going to be talk on all the forums, every web site and most of the talking heads that Matt Forte is a bigger loss than Jay Cutler.  Guess what?  He’s not.  I love Forte and he has been the glue that held this team together, so don’t get me wrong.  But, behind Matt we have Marion Barber and Kahlil Bell…neither of whom are even kind of as awful as Caleb Hanie or whatever scrub the Bears want to call a QB that’s name doesn’t rhyme with Ray Rutler.

Which brings me to the next thought…Hanie.  How the hell does the Bears management screw this up so badly?  How did you think he was ever ready?

I mean honestly, let’s look at the facts:

-Cutler was sacked 187 times last year (*citation needed).

-Cutler ended last season hurt, despite what Maurice Jones Drew thought.

-The Bears O Line has less recognizable names than the new “Bring It On” sequel that went straight to Netflix (or Qwikster or whatever it’s called this week).

So, knowing these facts, Lovie and Martz and Jer Bear thought the best plan was to have our insurance policy be Caleb Hanie?  Why?  Why in the fudgemallowwhipple did that seem like a good idea?  Oh…I know…because the three of them were all dropped as children.  I’m sure we’ll all hear about McNabb today.  But, it’s interesting that at NO point did the Bears even consider McCown…he didn’t get up, he didn’t throw a pass, nothing.  Hell, I saw Cutler tossing the ball and I wept silently wondering how good he threw left-handed.

Let’s take 10 seconds to talk about the O Line’s play…say it with me now–YOU SUCK!  Just awful play.  I haven’t seen anyone get beat like JaMarcus Webb since watching the video of that girl who downloaded a video game and her dad, mom and dog took turns “whooping up on her”.  B-R-U-T-A-L.

Which brings me to my next point…Martz’s play calling.  Mike, I know you are on your way out.  I know that you are probably going to screw up some college program and show everyone how smart you are.  But, 4th and 1…a healthy (at the time) Matt Forte who leads the NFL in yards from scrimmage and all RB in yards per carry.  Or, hell…maybe you go with your short-yardage guy (who cleverly is never used on short yardage), Marion Barber.  Oh wait…nope, instead you decide to go with a pass…nice call.  How’d that work out?  Stop trying to be cute, run the ball, throw short passes and kiss Rod’s pasty ass when the Defense saves you…again.

I don’t even want to talk about Roy Williams.  Honestly.  Go away, the next time you’re not scurred enough to make a catch and you decide to do your STUPID first down act…watch which way you are pointing and immediately start walking that way.  I don’t care where it takes you, just leave.  Buh bye.

Okay…it’s Monday, so I know that starting off on a rant like this after that game that was about as good as watching reruns of Cop Rock is a rough way to start the week.  What do we have to feel good about?

How about this:

The D Line…they looked like absolute beasts!  Melton, Izzy and Peppers are uncaged friggin animals.

The Secondary…despite Solomon Wilcott’s bold statement that Steltz and Conte were much like Plank and Fencik…um, no.  The entire DB tandem looked great.  I especially liked how we didn’t see Brandon Merriweather screwing anything up…plus, Steltz completed more passes than any Bear’s QB.

The LB boys were solid as per usual, but you didn’t hear their name because:

A.  The Chiefs suck.  They are horrible.

B.  The afformentioned D Line kicked so much ass.

Speaking of the Chiefs…hey, aren’t we lucky we didn’t get Orton.  One play, busted up finger…that’ll be $2.5 million please.  Oh…that was funny and or sad.  I was hoping he could use his magic neck beard powers to heal his digit…but, alas…no.

You buying any of this?  Not yet?  How about this…the Lions are again playing like the Lions.  The Giants, Cowboys and Falcons all suck.  So, we are still primed to make the playoffs…we will probably need to score more than 3 a game.  But if we hold teams to 10…we will win.

That’s all I got.  Oh, wait…19 more shopping days until Christmas!

Too early to get excited about the Bulls?

Yo, okay?

4 thoughts on “It was a team effort, fellas…you all suck.

  • December 5, 2011 at 8:47 AM

    Chiefs may suck, but they beat you guys. And don’t say we only won via injuries. Our running back, who is better than Forte (Charles), is out for the season along with our tight end, top two quarterbacks (after that hilarious Orton play that even made me laugh) and our pro bowl second year safety.
    Before saying a team sucks, make sure yours beats them.

  • December 5, 2011 at 8:58 AM

    I didn’t say you won via injuries, so mousey down a notch. You’ve had your own injuries, you’re down to a back up QB that is right handed but throws with his left and while Charles is a very good RB, your delusional if you believe he is better than Forte. The only place he’s better (and that’s debatable) is in Fantasy Football. In REAL football, Forte has been the BEST RB IN THE NFL this year. Period.

    I feel you though, injuries have hit both teams…yours even harder. That doesn’t change the fact that your team sucks though. They do. Check the rankings, seriously–I’ll wait. The Bears are better in every aspect. You got LUCKY as hell on a Hail Mary. You got lucky that Roy Williams sucks and dropped a sure TD. You got lucky that Martz is an idiot and decided to throw on 4th down. I could go on and on. In the end, it doesn’t matter…lucky or not. Our team sucked more than yours did yesterday. My point was that the Bears should never have lost that game…yet they did.

  • December 5, 2011 at 9:40 AM

    The better caption would be from Speath – “Omigod, omigod, omigod, I’m SO sorry Matt!”

  • December 5, 2011 at 9:43 AM

    It does look like that’s what he’s thinking…Davis is standing there looking over thinking, “That may have been my guy”.

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