What, Jay, Are You Too Busy to Call Your Teammate?

Brian Urlacher made the news this week for some reason when he revealed that Jay Cutler was the only one of his former teammates to not have called him since Urlacher announced his retirement. Since then we’ve had a weekend of football, the Griffinization of the NFL, and a man with fetal alcohol syndrome lay some real talk on a state whose major export is boredom, so it’s forgivable if news of Cutler gutting up and calling Urlacher slipped through the cracks. Luckily, I managed to get my hands on a transcript of the phone call from Jay to Brian, and am proud to present it to you in its entirety:

—

“Hello?”

“Hello, Brian.”

“Oh, well if it isn’t Mr. Star Quarterback! How are things, Jay?

“Things are good, Brian.”

“I’ve been worried to death, you know! I don’t hear from you for months, and
then what? I’m down at the studio on Sunday and I hear that you’ve been sacked
by Jared Allen. So what choice do I have? I call you to see if you’re okay,
and you don’t pick up. I called Brandon, he didn’t pick up. I even called that
shiksa of a wife you have and couldn’t find out if you were okay.”

“Brian, I was right in the middle of a game.”

“Halftime is twelve minutes, Jay, you couldn’t take one of those twelve to
call your old teammate just to let him know you’re not out there bleeding to
death?”

“Sorry Brian, things got really busy.”

“Have things been busy since the end of the year? Because I don’t remember
getting a call from you since I left the team. Not a single, ‘Miss you,
Brian,’or ‘How is the new job Brian?’ or ‘I heard you had a little soreness in
your hip, Brian, can I come over and help with the housework?’ Bupkis!”

“Brian, you know how training camp is-”

“Feh on training camp! Kyle was in training camp, too, and he called me when
I announced my retirement.”

“Sure, but Kyle’s a backup, he doesn’t-”

“That just means he has to work twice as hard! And yet he still found time to
let me know he appreciated having me as a teammate. I even got a very nice
card from Sam saying I was like a second mother to him. Why can’t you be more
like Sam?”

“Brian, Sam Hurd is in jail!”

“He still sent me a card! But what do I get from you? Nothing! You’re running
around with the shiksa doing who knows what with her trashy friends, you’re
smoking…”

“Brian, those are Photoshopped.”

“Sure, and I’m Fran Dreshcer.”

“Besides, I’m not ‘running around’ with the shi… Kristen. I’ve had an busy
off-season. I was asked to tape an episode of ‘The League.'”

“What is ‘The League,’ your league? The football league?”

“No, it’s a TV show about guys in a fantasy football league and they asked me
to be on it.”

“Why you? Was every other football player visiting their old teammates at the
time?”

“No-” *sigh* “I actually think you’d be proud of me; you should watch it. It’s
on at 9:30.”

“Oh I can’t stay up past Larry Yellen, you know that. Even if I could, why
would I? I might as well roll over and die, unloved.”

*Siiiiigh*

“Brian, I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?”

“I’m sorry it’s taken this long to call.”

“You’re sorry that I’ve been waiting to hear a congratulations from you?”

“Yes, Brian.”

“You’re sorry that I had to deflect questions about you from the other guys in
the studio.”

“Yes, Brian.”

“You’re sorry I had to sit through Earl Bennett’s concussion-slurred well
wishes with a smile while inside my heart was breaking because my favorite
quarterback was too busy galavanting around with his Hollywood friends to call
his old linebacker?”

“Yes!”

“…Alright, I forgive you. Do good this week.”

“I will, Brian.”

“Who are you playing this week?”

“The Steelers.”

“Well, kick the dreck out of them.”

“I will.”

“Okay, bubala. Oh! And one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“You look so thin! Is that shiksa not feeding you? Come over on your bye week
and I’ll cook you some real food.”

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